Perceptions

I'm finding that I am having to change a lot of my precepts of my eldest child. Motherhood has been one of the most wonderful challenges of my life. I was a youngest child, and consequently didn't have much exposure to younger children. I did babysit and so forth, but they were other people's children, not my own, so I expected them to be not like me. With my own children, I think I have carried a perception that they would be like me in looks and personality. Well, they definitely are not like me in looks! Those two adorable girls of ours are just like their daddy in appearance. Baby L looked remarkably like her Aunt Jo's baby picture actually.

Anyways, in personality these two girls are so sweet. Baby L is very sweet, loves being in the center of what is going on, and is very sensitive to what goes on around her. I knew her personality before she was born. I felt it. Those original feelings about her personality have remained true to who she is.

The other day I was thinking about that and thinking how I didn't really feel that with M. Motherhood was a difficult transition for me, and I hadn't anticipated that. I thought I would instantly fall in love with the tiny baby they put in my arms, but I felt more shock at the time and as if the whole situation was very surreal. I cried the whole way home from the hospital with her because I felt like I didn't know what I was going to do with her. I kept thinking that this little baby was going to grow up to be a snooty teenager who would hate me. (I know that's not rational and very wrong to think, but it was what I was thinking at the time). When we got home I asked Mr. N to give me a priesthood blessing. I didn't share any of my feelings with him, because I thought he would be disappointed with me. I was disappointed with me. I didn't understand why I was instantly in love with my precious little baby. In the blessing he told me things that could have only come from the Lord. They eased my feelings. I also received an unexpected phone call from a dear friend from my mission the next day. She didn't know I'd had my baby, but just happened to call. I love how the Lord knows what each of his children need. Later that day my mother arrived. I desperately needed her. She was so sad she missed the birth, but I truly feel that the Lord knew I would need her after, not during the birth. I didn't share any of the feeling I'd had before with her either, but through her example I was able to put everything in perspective and fell deeply in love with my precious Little M. Looking back, I really think I was extremely close to slipping into postpartum depression. Extremely close. The Lord knew what I needed.

I didn't mean to go off on a rant about all that, but anyways, the other day I was thinking about the girls' personalities and how easy it was to know Baby L's. I realized that I couldn't immediately identify M's because it was overshadowed by her being two...and all that comes with that blessed age!!! :) As I thought about it, I felt the spirit...show (for lack of a better word. I could also probably say whisper or identify) her core personality traits and I realized that they were remarkably Baby L's. M is good. She is kind, nurturing, attentive, eager to help, she is very smart, and she is a leader. She is also extremely independent, she is very social, she adores praise (It's remarkable how much dinner we can get her to eat if we applaud when she takes bites!). She knows exactly what she wants and how she wants to go about doing it.

For a few weeks I've been watching M and learning more about her. She went through a phase when we moved where she didn't like to be out of our presence and always made sure we were there with her. Because of that, I think I started to view her as being a child that was more in need of her parent's presence. I don't really know how to word that...I hope it came across alright. Maybe what I'm trying to say is I saw her as needing us more because she was shy. As I've watched her this past month, I've come to realize that isn't the case. She is remarkably self assured. She is confident in new situations and a definite leader. When we go somewhere knew, she is eager to find new children and say hi and play with them. I've watched other kids hang back uncertainly, but not her. She runs and plays without a backwards glance. Even in nursery now she goes in and says "Bye Mommy" or "Bye Daddy" and goes to play without looking back. She loves nursery. She asks every day if we can go to church! Last night there was a meeting I needed to attend at church and they had a nursery set up for the kids. I was sure M wouldn't go because she didn't know any of the adults, but she went right in and got down to business.

I think I've been assuming she was more like Mr. N and I in personality. For the most part we like to stay home and just be with our family. I like to occasionally get together with friends who have kids of similar ages so they can play, but for the most part I'm content to be a home-body. M appears to have different needs. She seems to thrive in social situations and it seems getting together with other kids is her favorite thing. She loves her "friends". I realize now that I need to make a greater effort to meet her needs. She has a different personality and that is okay. She is who she is, and we adore her. No, I'm not going to run off and enroll her in every kind of class out there. She has her tumbling tots class on Tuesdays, church on Sunday's, so I think if I make a greater effort to get together with other moms a couple times a week it would help her more.

Baby L also loves to be right in the middle of the action. We call her nosey actually! If something is going on, she has to know about it. That little fact has actually made nursing her very difficult. She has flat out refused a lot lately. I called the pediatrician who advised me to start her on whole milk if she won't nurse. She won't take formula. So, we've done that, but for some reason having milk (which she loves) seems to make her want to nurse more. I haven't figured that one out yet.