Warning: This is a girly post, so don't read it if you don't want to know me that way!
I am feeling very betrayed by my body right now. I am waiting. I've been waiting for 4 days now. Waiting for the regular clockwork of my body to get back online. I've never had to wait 4 days. I've never had to wait more than an extra day, with the exception of two pregnancies.
Yesterday I took one of the longest drives of my life. I had alerted a very shocked Mr. N the night before. The feeling was mutual. Baby L was our "one time won't hurt" baby, and since then we have observed the rules of engagement with exactness. How could this happen??? As I drove to the store my mind and emotions were going 100 mph. We have never been in such dire financial circumstances, and another pregnancy would very likely mean the end of Mr. N's schooling. That would be a tragedy. Plus, I truly feel I am barely hanging on by my fingernails most days. Having a 2-year-old and 1-year-old is extremely hard, but I wouldn't dream of changing it. I just kept thinking, "What is Heavenly Father thinking!!! Does he want me to crack?" I also thought of the impossible sickness that plagues me for the entirety of my pregnancies. Could I do that again? So soon??? I didn't think so. Not now. I felt overwhelming concern for the girls. What had we done to them? And a very selfish part of me grieved over the fact that I had finally gotten back to my pre-pregnancy body and was in the final stretch of nursing. One more month. We hadn't planned any additions to our family to occur for at least 3 years. My pregnancies are too hard. We also live in my parents house, and it wouldn't be fair to them. But there was another part of me. A part of me that realized that 3 days was significant, and in the past had only meant a baby. Once that idea had been entertained, I wanted it desperately, because it was ours. Even though I might crack, I would do it. Because the baby was ours. Baby L and I went into the store to shop. I had her strapped in on front, and kept looking at her and wondering if she was now a middle child. We bought the essential items and started home. I felt like I was ready to burst into tears at any moment. I hadn't even had the guts to tell my mom of the risk. Not because I doubted her support, but because I just couldn't verbalize it.
The test was negative.
I started at it for several minutes, not understanding all the emotions I was feeling. Negative? But why.... Suddenly I felt like crying for an entirely different reason. I had truly believed it would be positive. What other explanation could there be? My sister suggested it might have something to do with the fact that I'm only nursing one time a day and that's effecting my body. That makes sense I guess. I went right from nursing to pregnant with Little M, so this isn't something I'm familiar with. I don't doubt the test. The pack had 2 more, but I don't think I'll use them.... I expect my body will get back on track very soon. I just wish it would hurry up. This was a very mean trick.
So the wait is on. I don't plan on blogging about the return to normality, but if things swing the other way, I'll post about that. I hate even considering that possibility though, because I feel like I'm preparing myself for a let down.
**sigh**
9 comments:
Holy Cow!!! That post had me on the edge of my seat!!! You are amazing. Congratulations for the realization that you would do all that again, if it was asked of you.
I understand your feelings about the pregnancy test. After we miscarried, looking at the newly negative test was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. There's something amazing about an unplanned pregnancy that makes you want that baby SO MUCH!
Good gravy, you people are fertile. What a crazy week for you! And what a hard place, wanting it to both be true and false at the same time. Just know that either way it swings we all love and support you!
I think all of us moms have had an experience like this, so we know what you are talking about. Especially being strangely upset at a negative test even when you didn't really think you wanted to see a positive one, either. Either way your situation works out, you and your hubby will make it work! Good luck.
I don't know how many times this has happened to me, but it has been A LOT! Before Kayla, I was very "normal" too, but pregnancy changed all that. I have basically been pregnant and nursing for the past nine years so I'm not really sure my body knows what normal is anymore. LOL Since baby L came right after M, I'm sure your body is still adjusting. I think many women feel the same emotional twist as they look at a negative pregnancy test -- especially when they THINK it is positive. I've learned that all things are "in the Lord's timimg" -- especially when it comes to bringing His children into this world. Enjoy the precious little girls you have now and know that when the timing is right, more will come... Love you guys!
yes, I have experienced those same emotions many many times. it's so strange, wanting something you didn't originally want...and then not getting the answer you thought you were getting. i have many questions about the drive that god placed in women to create...even when it isn't always the right thing.
WOW! I was so curious read this post through to see what happened. I'm proud of you for thinking you would do it again even if it would be extra hard. I smiled through the part when you sayed that you are hanging on your fingernails... I feel the same way sometimes.
It's so good to read everyone's comments and know I'm not alone. I think I feel most of all that I am not pregnant, but I'm so frustrated with that part of me that secretly hopes I am, even though the timing would be...very very difficult. I agree totally with you Megan. I have lots of questions.... I think I'll make a batch of cookies...
Oh my--what a post. I was nervous the whole time. I wish 4 days was signifigant for me. When we had been married about 8 months I was 17 days late. 17--holy crap. I wasn't pregnant, but that was the longest two minutes of my life waiting for that pregnancy test. I finally started 21 days late. I guess God was trying to teach a lesson in something...not sure what, maybe that He knows us and knows our needs, but to remind us what our duty is on Earth? Not sure.
P.S. Even though I didnt' want a baby, I cried when I saw the negative sign too--I think it's just a woman thing.
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