Hyperemesis Gravidarum

I've struggled with posting this post for a long time. My main reasons are that I don't want to seem like I'm trying to draw attention to myself... I'm much more comfortable being out of the spotlight, yet I do get frustrated by a natural lack of understanding for why I'm so sick right now. Most likely

I'm pregnant and I'm sick...and there's a reasons other than morning sickness.

I have a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum. It's like morning sickness on steroids.

Here's what it says on a Hyperemesis website:

"Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) is a severe form of nausea and vomiting in pregnancy. It is generally described as unrelenting, excessive pregnancy-related nausea and/or vomiting that prevents adequate intake of food and fluids. If severe and/or inadequately treated, it is typically associated with:

loss of greater than 5% of pre-pregnancy body weight (usually over 10%)
dehydration and production of ketones
nutritional deficiencies
metabolic imbalances
difficulty with daily activities"

With my first pregnancy, I got really bad really fast. I was so sick, but the doctors had a certain list (for lack of a better word) of medications going from mild in strength to super-strong for nausea they went down before giving me the big guns that finally worked.

I took some special B6 medication that did nothing, Phenogrin, some other medications I can't remember, and then finally they gave me Zofran, a Chemotherapy drug that finally worked...at least making life manageable.

With this pregnancy I am responding better to the medication than with Little M's pregnancy. Maybe its because I pretty much demanded zofran from the start and told them the other stuff was a waste of time and money... I don't know. I am on the medication 24 hours a day. That is why I can go out in public and appear normal at times! :)

But to give you an idea of what its like, without the medication I would throw up anywhere from 10-20 times a day for the entire pregnancy. It doesn't matter if I eat or drink. I have no control over it. It is awful.

With the medication I throw up about 2 times a day for the entire pregnancy. Manageable. We've come to accept that its just the way it is for us. Mr. N doesn't come to check on me anymore when I throw up because it happens so often. There's just no point. I still have nausea every day. Some times are worse than others. I have good days and bad days, and good hours and bad hours. Its just our life right now. Last week they started me on a new medication to treat my esophagus because it is so torn up from the vomiting. Hopefully that won't be permanent.

I'm usually not this open with people outside my family about this. Its just...I don't know...embarrassing. I'm not trying to seek people's pity. This is just something a lot of people don't know about.

What's very hard now for me is the realization that it will be this way for every pregnancy. With that comes the realization that I will not have as many children as we hoped. We have always wanted a large family. Six was a good number for us. I still hoped for six after M was born because I had the hope that the sickness was a one time thing. Now I know it isn't. I am barely able to care for Little M right now, and the thought of doing this again with 2 children just doesn't seem possible. I've kind of been in mourning over that. I feel like I've lost one of my life's goals, and it's very hard for me. I also feel like I've let Mr. N down. He would never say that to me, but I still feel that way. We're thinking that maybe I'll give birth to three children...but this may be our last child born to us. We're considering adoption for the future. Maybe then we'll have 3 or 4 kids.

I would love to be healthy now. I would love to remember what healthy feels like. I would love to have normal pregnancies with normal morning sickness. My whole life I've wanted to be a mother. It makes me sad that I won't have as many children as I want, and envious of those who will. I know, envy is bad. I'm working on it. I can have children though, and for that I am grateful.

I really did not post this to get people to feel bad for me. If you do I'll just get embarrassed. I just thought it might be good for people to know. Knowledge is power.